All of a sudden, I felt such a need to get away. All I wanted to do in that moment was poof, turn into nothing on the spot. I was feeling so much pent up emotion all at once. It was like for a second, I had stopped running and everything managed to catch up to me. One of the many things bothering me right now is the fact that one of my closest friends is falling into wallowing pit. She is progressively falling into a state of hopelessness, so much so that she refuses to accept the kindness which is being shoved at her. So many people care about her and they are so sincere, why is that going ignored? She keeps searching for certain words of comfort when they are living within her and I wish she saw how great of a person she is and that people surround her with care. There are plenty of people who have her back and it’s said in the little things that they say and do. Another thing bugging me is my emotions. I am filled with turmoil because of MC and I can’t seem to pinpoint why. I need to be rational but it is so hard to make this decision. All that I know right now is that I miss him. I didn’t hear from him at all today and, idk. I just hope that he’s doing okay. Other than that, M freakin pissed me off today. The fact that he lied to me was awful. Who does that??! It was unfair to me. And then he was going to give the paper back to her, making it seem like he did it. No. That’s another lie. Honesty is something that I’ve begun to hold to such a high standard. Then there’s my dad who isn’t doing any better and I think that I need to do something but I’m still not sure how I’m going to manage to do that. Ughughugh. The last thing on my mind is RB. He likes me and of course I don’t like him. He’s not my type and that makes me feel bad because I’m just going to be another heartbreak for him. My life is so tangled and I’m always so concerned about everything and idk. It’s a rough life lately. Never knowing what to do, so continuing to endlessly run. I wonder where I’m running to and what I’m running from.
i really wanna kiss you and be cute with you and fall asleep in your arms and go on stupid dates but i also sort of want to light you on fire and throw myself into traffic so idk
College. Wow. In two weeks, it’ll be spring break, then one final push before the semester comes to a close. When I think of it that way, so much time is going to fly by in one breathe, but, in retrospect, there is still a span of three months, or so, still left to go. Can time really pass by so quickly?
The semester, thus far, has been going fantastically. I hate to say it, but MC is still around. I’m still making horrible decisions when it comes to him and I think it’s because he’s always there. Regardless of where I go and who I go with, he’s there when I want to be home. I need to think long and hard about him. I’m going to make a decision with him on Mar 22nd. We’ll have reached one year. No postponing it. It’s all or nothing. It really is.
Academics are going swimmingly. My first tests in physics and calc(hopefully) went well. I’m not doubting that they are and I’m, slowly, getting better at just going with my gut when it comes to certain test taking matters. I got an A on my first essay in my nonfiction writing class and I’m whole heartedly loving my poetry class. Discrete math is a ride. I love it, but I’m not sure how I feel about it, in general.
This weekend, I need to make sure that I talk to my dad…but I’m not sure if I can. Apparently, he’s not doing well, at all. He’s still drinking and I’m positive that the alcohol is conflicting with the medication that he’s taking for his injuries. He’s not getting any better because he’s not taking care of himself. These thoughts stab in the heart everytime that I think about them. I want to be in denial about his current state because I don’t know if I can muster the courage to speak to him. He worries me, yet he has no idea that I feel the way that I do. I grew up watching him drink, getting into fights with my mom, and battle rationality with my younger brother. I can’t handle it anymore. I want to do something. BUT HOW?!
Well, I guess that’s all that I have to say for now. I know that I haven’t been as great at updating as I used to, but knowing that this tumblr is here when I need it the most is all that I need.